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Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
9:46 pm - heat wave 2002
it is hot, and a part of me is almost looking foward to getting up at an ungodly hour (before 10am) to work in air-conditioning
for 8 hours. this may have something to do with the fact that there is not only one truely functioning fan in the house and no matter how hot it gets outside, its always 10 degrees warmer in here. i was sweating less than a minute after getting out of the shower.
i have just finished off my third can of diet dr pepper...it's too hot for coffee, and walking to town for the iced variety was not something i really felt like doing...
...i've come to the realization that i can't part my car with an audience. i feel i've mastered the art of squeezing my car into spots that look too small, but this afternoon as an elderly looking man looked on, i could not even back into an enormous spot.
i think it's too hot to have the computer on.

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Thursday, May 9th, 2002
9:02 pm - $114 million in three days!
somehow spiderman has become the film with the most successful opening weekend ever! it made $114 million in 3 days. i haven't seen it, and i don't really want to. personally, i think batman was probably better. even more disturbing, the director signed on for a three film contract, so be on the lookout for spiderman 2 and spiderman 3. i wonder who the next super hero to have his/her own movie will be. i'm putting my money down on wonderwoman. at work i've noticed an excessive amount of wonder woman items coming in. maybe i'm so out of touch that this movie is already in the works. personally i'd like to see a gumby movie, or maybe ren & stimpy. yes, ren & stimpy is what i'd like to see as a feature film complete, with powerdered toast man and log.
you know, now that i think about it, captain
america will be the next film in order to
build patriotic youth in this country. what has this country come to?

current mood: tired

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Sunday, May 5th, 2002
4:48 pm - I am Corin Tucker...
well, not really. Did you ever wonder what member of sleater-kinney you would be?!...nope, me neithor...but i took the quiz anyway.
check it out, it's short. http://www.shemadethis.com/skquiz/

Corin Tucker
Which Sleater-Kinney Girl Are You?

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Thursday, August 30th, 2001
7:40 pm
i can't remember the last time i even thought about livejournal. i guess it was just the hip thing to do last semester thanks to sharon...but so much has changed since then, that i guess everyone just kind of strayed from their computers, which is probably a good thing. i've never been much of a fan of these things anyway.
school is just around the corner again. the summer flew by too quickly, yet last semester seems like ages ago. i can't really explain it. jon came up with a theory late one night as to why time rushes by in the way it's been doing lately, something to do with getting older and not having a car, but i can't remember it anymore, and we agreed at the time that we were just overtired and sounding like first year philosophy students anyway.
speaking of students, they are all starting to return from where ever they may have been this summer, and it's kind of sad, like a reminder that summer is basically over. i don't think i've even fully recovered from last semester yet, and i am in no way ready for classes to begin.
i've had the summer to reflect on last last semester, and i still don't know what i was thinking, i guess i really wasn't. it was something of a drunken, drug-induced, sleep-deprived haze...that is at least how i've been descibing it to everyone. it doesn't seem like it really happened, and i still can't believe it did. i got myself into a unnesassarly dramatic situation. i am happy to report that there has been no drama since then beyond the kind that goes along with having a crush, which is really just cute grade-school drama, that only lasted about a week, and compared to what i went through the three months priar, doesn't even count.
things are going well, i have been extremely happy and nothing tragic has occured at all.
i feel like a big jerk because i really have no clue what is going on outside of northampton, but i guess i'm just not good at keeping in touch with anyone. every attempt to talk to people not directly involved in my life recently has left me with a very disconnected feeling. colleen came up for jon's birthday out of nowhere, and it just felt very weird, like trying to relive something that ended two years ago.
i don't really have much of interest to say. i guess the summer was pretty uneventful, and i don't feel the need to write a small novel about every little detail of everything i've done. i'm probably the only person it would interest anyway.
i wish the summer wasn't ending, but it is, and i guess i'll see what happens when everyone i thought i knew last semester comes back in the next few days. it should be interesting.

current mood: calm

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Saturday, July 21st, 2001
3:50 pm - wet pavement...
i am never online anymore, but not much has chnaged since the summer began. august 4th is coming up quicker than ever, and i am getting nervous. it hit me at work the other day. if i forget the lyrics or break a string we are just drums and violin. jon keeps saying that the future of the band basically relies on this one show. if people hate us no one will ever want to come out and see us play again. i'm sure my legs will just shake uncontrollably for the first song like they always do and then i will be fine.
next week is the northampton sidewalk sale. this translates to an overabundance of tourists and hours and hours of work for me. faces sceduled me tuesday-saturday. all i want is for next week to go away.
jill has strep-throut, i fear i am going to get it too. jon and i had ourselves convinced that our throuts hurt the other night after we heard about jill, but we're both fine. she's supposedly contagious for 24 hours, which technically means i should be sick by now. at least it's not mono, i have this skill of being surrounded by people with mono and never actually getting it, let's hope i'm the same way with strep-throut.
i'm in an incredibly weird mood today, i think due mostly to the lack of sleep i've been getting. i can't sleep until the sun starts to rise and the birds have begun to sing. i think i slept 3 hours last night. jon woke me up around noon, and i laid around for the next hour and a half going in and out of sleep, having the strangest dreams involving jon, who was usually saying, "wake up heather."
on our way into town today jon and i came up with an idea that i think only we find funny. there's this parking lot that has been getting fixed up for a while, and today it appeared they had finally paved it. we usually have to cross the entrance of this parking lot because it intersects with the sidewalk. today, noticing the fresh pavement, we stared at it for a while not sure what the proper course of action would be, walk accross seemingly wet pavement, or just walk around it in the street. we debated for a while, poked at it with a stick, and then took one step.
it looked like it would be fun to walk accross, but we decided to wait and see what a girl walking towards it in the other direction would do. she walked around it, we decided that we should do the same. those giant orange cones were there for a reason i suppose.
the idea jon and i had was to make short films (straring us of course) about these very situations that are so stupid and random, but completely consuming...kind of like a seinfield episode.
so that has been my day so far, it sounds a lot like the days that came before it too, nothing exciting, but i'm not so bored i can't take it.
i am craving a smoothie right now, so i must go...

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Monday, July 16th, 2001
7:33 pm - have you eaten today?
once again it's been an extremely long time since i've written on this thing, and as usual i am in the smith library which is my only free connection to things outside of northampton.
i've heard rumor that natalie is back...natalie if you are back you should give jon and i a call, we've been antisipating your arrival for weeks.
so not much has changed since i last wrote. the only real change is that i realized a few days ago that i actually do like my job. i complain about all the time, but i kind of enjoy faces. i always have a million and one stories to tell every night when i get off work. there's been a lot of tourists in town recenetly and all of them make it a point to stop by faces before they leave.
i don't really understand why anyone would choose northampton as a vacation destination, but more people than i ever imagined do. it's kind of fun to observe the tourists from a distance. the other night i had an interesting encounter with a group of yuppie tourists. i was sitting outside of faces taking my ten minute break, frantically try to finish my second cigarette before my time was up, and this group of about 5 tourists walked by, staring at me and said, "well, that one must be a local."
the other strange occurence i've noticed with tourists is that they all seem to asume i am hoemless. a few nights each week i will either be sitting outside of sweeties waiting for jon to get off work, or outside of turn it up waiting for jill, and random people either stare at me with a sad look at their face, or offer me food. my favorite example is this sketchy middle aged man.
he sat down next to me and said, "do you mind if i sit here?" i really didn't feel like talking to him, so i just said, "no, whatever." i didn't even look at him, because he seemed slightly off. he said, "have you eaten today." i said, "yes, i ate quite a bit today." he responded with, "well, i have so excellent leftovers from this itallian restaurant if you're hungry." all i said was, "i'm not hungry, i already ate." he didn't seem to believe me, and then broke into this pathetic story about how him and his girlfriend got in a huge fight at dinner (i asume the italian place) and she got up and left him. i guess he wanted my sympathy, or was just looking for a girl to fill the void. i continued to ignore him until jon got off of work and saved me.
the crazies really enjoy my company in this town.

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Monday, July 9th, 2001
5:54 pm
it's approaching the middle of july, and so far this summer has been pretty uneventful. i feel myself falling into the same routine everyday. i wake up sometime around noon, usually before two...although there's been a number of exceptions recently. jon and i walk to town, buy cigarettes, eat at nini's, and stop by sweeties. it seems to be the same whether jon is working or not.
everyday i work, i work 5 to close. faces is still much to busy for me to enjoy. there's never a time when the store is quiet until we lock the doors at 10pm and i am subjected to the sounds of employees counting change and sharing gossip.
after work i usually end up back at sweeties to meet jon, where we walk home to either watch a movie or lay around being lazy.
it's not that i'm bored i just need to change up the routine a little. i'm going to see hospital at fire and water tonight. jill and suzanna are their super fans, they never miss a show. i want to see what all the hype is about. actually, i really don't know if there's any hype at all, it may just be those two that are obbsessed. i'm looking foward to it. i haven't been to a show in almost two weeks.
speaking of shows, cargo may shift's show is coming up, less than a month to go. we have 9 original songs and three covers right now. i think we are going to retire axemen. it was our first song ever, but that was over a year ago. feels blind will probably be next to go. i'm enjoying our new cover quite a bit. it's actually a cover of a cover. we're planning on getting some studio time this month at slaughterhouse is amherst. it would be nice to have a decent recording for once.
todays's events were no different than those of the past two weeks. today i walked in the door of the house at 10:30am, surprisingly awake. i wasted the day away making a mixed tape and watched gerardo read comic books. our coversation seemed like something out of a hal hartley film. we'd be silent for about an hour, then out of nowhere, "heather how much is it to do laundry?" "$1.25 to wash, $1 to dry." this was about the only comunication that occured, except for the question of the past two weeks, "where the hell is fritz?"
currently i think i am too hungry to write clearly. maybe my unusual sleeping pattern is starting to get to me. i think i do too much sitting around, but i would much rather sit around doing nothing here than in nj.

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Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
7:02 pm - it's a big old house and there's not much room but there's nothing that i wouldn't say to you...
back at the smith library once again. i seem to have found myself incredibly busy doing absolutely nothing. northampton officially feels like home.
i sometimes forget i am still just a college student living up here to avoid dorm life drama. it's a nice feeling having a place that's more than just a room in a hallway with a bathroom down the hall and 4 flights of stairs away from the outside world. sharing a room with jon reminds me of a junior high slumber party. there's always so much gossip to share, and we have surprisingly avoided spending every waking second together, although i have to admit everything seems a little off if he's gone for too long.
i feel pretty settled in to the house now, even though right now our furniture consists of a make-shift mattress couch and some metal folding chairs. we just got a pot and pan yesterday. living off of two dollar nini's pizza was starting to kill me slowly, so i figured out a way to make rammen in the coffee maker, which was a huge disaster, but i ate it anyway. i'm still enjoying electricity and hot water. my stereo has been on non-stop since the power was turned on. recently the only thing it's played is jill's mixed tape, and for the past two days only the song valentine by small factory, which i taught myself on guitar as well.
i still hate my job just as much as the last time i wrote. recently faces has been throwing me downstairs to sell candles, which started out boring until they handed me a label maker and let me make up creative names for everything downstairs. just as i was becomming well aquainted with the candles and houseware stuff i got put back in toys again. at my manager's suggestion i began to attempt to have conversations with the customers. no one ever wants to talk to me though, so this being friendly thing is going to stop soon. the best thing about working in toys is the signs i can make for myself on the little pieces of paper where customers are suppossed to test all the crazy pens we sell. a random customer wrote "heather is nice" on one, which was strange since i didn't say anything other than "that will be (insert price here), do you want a bag for that?, and have a nice night." it amazes me that people can spend $40 on greeting cards, one of the few items that requires me to type lots of stuff instead of just scanning it. i think we need a tip jar. i have been offered tips twice since i started working there. one guy told me to "keep the change" which was 5 cents. we're not allowed to though. i think if anyone deserves tips it is faces employees, our job is hundreds of times more stressful than sweeties, and they get tips.
speaking of sweeties, i still spend half my life in that place. kevin smith should really consider making a movie about it. i'm just waiting for someone to quit, i might as well get paid for hanging out like everyone else does. i at least wish i liked candy more, because i could eat all the candy free of charge if i felt like it.
i'm running out of things to say. but i would like to say that i was once again disappoined in the lack of e-mail i recieved today.

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Wednesday, June 20th, 2001
6:07 pm
back in the smith library again basically taking advantage of the air conditioning and finding out that no one e-mailed me. just a lot of junk mail and record label news. i feel that i've lost contact with all those outside of northampton. we just got elctricity at our house last night and hot water this morning. we still don't have a phone.
faces isn't giving me any hours, but i haven't gotten board yet. i think i'm still not over the excitment of being able to listen to music on a real stereo again, as oppossed to gerardo's makeshift stereo that conisted of a barely functional walkman and some computer speakers.
jon and i are going to a folk show tonight that for some reason i can't get myself excited about.
i listened to the cd version of this show this morning and i almost fell back a sleep, i'm sure it will be alright once we get there. after the folk show we're running down the street for a rock show, one of the sweeties bands is playing and we told them we'd be there.
speaking of sweeties, i have somehow found myself dating the manager of that very store, this is largely thanks to a lot of talking by third parites, mostly jon who probably made me sound cooler than i really am. she likes our band though, enough to book us a show at flywheel
on august 4th. our first show since the whole band moved in together.
one final thought, my hair is back to pink again...but different. manic panic instead of punky with bright oranage highlights. it's gotten a possitive reaction. it's the first time i really let jon touch my hair. i figure he's had more than enough practice on colleen, and he seemed to know what he was doing.
i've had enough of this for now. there's thunder and lightening outside and that always scares me when i'm sitting in front of a computer.

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Sunday, June 17th, 2001
1:12 am - film quotes and love notes...
i am here in nj spending less than 24 hours in the place i used to call home. i spent the first two weeks of summer in nj and the next two in massachussetts, and i must admit that northampton already feels more like home than new jersey. the diner was unusually empty tonight. the only friends that were here were the ones that also happen to be waitresses. i'm running on a weeks worth of sleepless nights and unhealthy eating. i will never be able to look at stop and shop pasta the same way again. i never really got used to sleeping on a couch that is shorter than me. it's grown uncomfortably warm rather quickly in the happy valley. it's too hot to do anything but sit in thorns or on the one shaded bench on pleasent street (the stupid looker bench). i have recently discovered that it is possible to survive on bananarama mocha java smoothies with a shot of protien powder along with my daily large iced coffee from haymarket. i have been super caffienated and filled with nicotine ever since arriving in northampton. maybe this is why i can't sleep.
at this time tomorrow i will be hopefully semi-settled at a house, sleeping in my own bed, or at least the matress, depending on how much room we have in the van. everyone tells me this will be an interesting summer, my first time not living in my parents house and working too many hours at a certain shoe store in flemington. not that working at faces is any better, but the pay is better, and the people for the most part are nicer. it's a good feeling not being called 'sir' by customers.
i have visions of a sort of summer romance. these are always the best kind. it's strange to somehow find myself with a girl that is shyer than me. conversations tend to ramble on endlessly, vaguely making references to the things we really want to say. i'm attempting to stop my bad habit of comapring everything to a film or using other people's song lyrics as a filter for the monologue goinging on inside my head.
as jill and i were trying to wrap up an evening of avoiding all uncomfortable subject matter, i realized that life really would be much easier if we all had the voice over narration that occurs on shows like 'my so called life' and 'the wonder years.' the voice of the characters thoughts. if only i could push a button and have that narrator say the monologue in my head, everything would be so much easier. maybe i'll learn how to communicate like a normal human being by the end of the summer...until then it's all film quotes, song lyrics, and stupid notes containing a mix of the two.

current mood: tired

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Tuesday, June 12th, 2001
6:46 pm - surprised to find the windshield wipers are still on...
i'm in the smith library. i never write anymore because my computer is in pieces burried under other people's stuff in anne-marie's extra room. i already feel like northampton in home. it's nice to finally feel at home somewhere, and not living between two states in a dorm room and with my parents. we move into our house very soon, which is an exciting feeling. my life now basically consists of occational work at faces and lots of time sitting on benches in northampton people watching and checking out all the interesting people that walk by.
i already have a crush...on none other than jon's boss. i always forget she's his boss because she's basically the same age as me, and she hangs out with us all the time as friends. jon seems to have found himself working at the best job in northampton on the most populated street corner. it was not too long ago that i was working the main register at faces, right next to the door, people watching the day away. now they moved me to the back, in the toy department. i can't even see the door from there. they day crawls by slowly in the back of the store, occationally ringing up greeting cards and strange toys that i've never seen anywhere else. the highlight of my days there seems to be changing the batteries in the toy planes that fly around in circles above everyones heads. for some reason i also seem to have a strange love for folding shirts. i guess because i got so good at it while i was apparel girl at reebok last summer. once a woman tried on every mask behind my register while strutting around the store in a feather boa, she left a few hours later, buying nothing, and leaving her cha cha cha leftovers behind.
i am glad to have this much needed break from school, and i am looking foward to some sort of summer romance. i was enjoying this whole beging single thing too, i think i get crushes too easily. sitting outside of sweeties smoking cigarettes isn't going to get me anywhere, it just makes me feel like a stalker...which i am definetly not. jon, her, and i sat on a bench today, jon between the two of us keeping the conversation going. we watched the cars go by, commenting on the people who looked at us. there's something fun about catching people in passing cars staring.
since leaving nj i've grown addited to mocha java smoothies and iced coffees from hay market.
i smoke two many cigarettes and talk about my band too much. going back to nj on saturday is going to be weird. it always feels strange, but this time it won't even feel like i'm going home. it will feel more like a visit, stopping by to say hello to the few friends i have left there and my parents. it looks like this summer may be more interesting than i originally thought

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Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
1:52 am - i'd probably take a picture of you...
i finally got my pictures back, the ones that tell the story of the last month of the semester. i can't stop looking at them. they begin with cute pictures of all my ML friends. mug shots, a group shot that looks like a promo poster for a movie, everyone in my room, various shots of my slowly fading hair color, justin and owen leaving forever, and finally a documentation of finals week. jaime on the phone with jc, alex about to pass out on my bed, jc typing on christina's computer, and finally my very favorite...jc and i huddled around a very uncomfortable looking jaime, looking very drunk and overtired. that was the end to a super dramatic semester, and i realized that i never actually wrote about it.
after living almost two months in fear of jc, we somehow became friends. we were friendly before all the drama went down, but it was the ultimate commonality that was quickly tearing us apart. we were/are dating the same girl. jc and i started talking, which turned into jokes at jaime's expense. i don't know if it was our form of revenge, but we began to bond over the emotional hell we both had to go through. the stupid emo thing that made it impossible to focus on anything other than our own screwed up relationships.
everything changed completely when jaime left jc and i alone in the smoking room as she was freaking out about her polyamory paper. jc and i realized that if anyone knew about polyamory it was us. we both liked jaime, so why not help her out. we'd sit down, just the three of us and do the typical lesbian thing to do...talk about our emotions and how everything "made us feel." we excitedly ran off in search of jaime, practically dragging her to my room, promising free cigarettes and beer. splitting two 40s, we discussed everything, from the night i interrupted a week long relationship, to the lies, misunderstanding, and perceptions of everyone else. it was a huge emotional release, and i think we all felt better in the morning. now all i have left is the group photo and a copy of jaime's paper to remember it by. we achieved a major level of maturity in the whole thing. everyone else thought and still thinks we're all crazy. maybe it was sleep deprivation and stress, but after almost of week of relaxation and complete removal from the situation, it still makes sense to me. i'm sure i'll laugh about it years from now...the fact that i let it all completely consume my life. the worst of it is over, and i doubt i will ever have a relationship this confusing again. i may have slacked off on school work this past semester, but i learned more about emotions and relationships than i could have ever imagined.

current mood: contemplative

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Monday, May 28th, 2001
2:53 pm - 500 miles is a long drive inside a car...
there's always something strange about being home. nj doesn't really feel like home anymore. massachussetts doesn't feel like home either. i have emotional ties to both, more so to flemington i guess. friendship dynamics always manage to change while i am away, so i find myself with an ever so slightly differnent group of friends each time i return. usually when i come back to nj i feel like a huge outsider, and it takes me a few weeks to catch up on all the new inside jokes, and remember the names of the new waitresses and the people who have become part of my friendship ciricle. i don't mind though, like jon says it's kind of like having ready made friends. in nj i never have to make any sort of effort to make friends, everyone else does, and then i come home to meet them a few months later. i never have the time to grow too attached, and many times i hear about these new friends i will soon have, and then some sort of drama occurs, and i never meet them anyway.
i feel sort of trapped between two homes, neithor of which i really want to call home. both have their charm, which is really just the friends i have made. i am sick of jumping between too places whose only attachment is the people. if i had this summer to start over again, i would have blown all my saved up cash on a car. i don't really know where i'd go. i'd just pack up a car full of music and my guitar, and drive west. i promised myself that if i ended up homeless this summer that is what i would do. i am sick of school. i can't function on a normal 9-5 work scedule. i go to bed after 3am and i wake up long after the rest of the east coast has finished eating lunch. my body is running on pacific northwest time, mentally i think i am already there.
i have learned saying things like this to my parents was a bad idea. college is probably the last place i need to be right now. they don't have majors for what i want to do, and contrary to popular belief, a liberal arts major in comparative litterature and film studies gets me nothing but blank stares and jokes about jobs in retail.
i hope this summer gets me excited about education again. right now money is just being wasted on me so i can watch movies and sleep through everything else.

current mood: restless

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Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
3:22 am
something incredibly rare occured today. i acutally sat down in front of this very computer at 2am and wrote three responce papers, all of which are due tomorrow. the rare part is that they are all completed and printed out sitting in my comm397T folder patiently awaiting to be handed in. i'm not going to claim these are even close to my best work, but i don't have to think about the horrible films, with the exception of vampires in havana, that i was forced to write about.
i went to work at faces for the third time today. i was suppossed to run the register in toys, but i ended up ringing up five people at most...some woman buying 3 ugly masks, and some old men with greeting cards. retail on a slow day is no fun. i got to put security tags on three giant racks of clothes, then they gave me a giant rack of merchandise to stock, which mostly consisted of sex related things like, "the dummy's guide to sex," and these weird massage kits, and a giant can filled with a lot of useless crap called, "the ultimate slumber party survial kit," i don't even want to know what must have been in there.
the highlight of my day was by far the middle aged jewish long island women trying on pink and purple spakley sunglasses and comenting on all the dorky t-shirts that had pms jokes on them. something about long island women with big hair saying in a very thick accent, "oh my god, these glasses are so fabulous" made me happy, even happier than when weezer came blaring out of the speakers for about 20 mintues, right after 20 minutes of prince...which was followed by the cars greatest hits. it was a good day musically.
i have become a regular on the pvta. usually it's just overflowing with smith girls visiting their amherst college boyfriends, but for some reason i found myself sandwitched between some crazy guy who i saw running around northampton all day with a fist full of razors, and this really old guy that was practically using my head as his own personal arm rest.
tomorrow is my day off, but i already feel this retail job becoming my life, i can only hope for everyone else's sake that this job does not become the extent of my personality.

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Monday, May 14th, 2001
2:37 am - I want all that stupid old shit like letters and sodas
what i am now considering my favorite moment of the weekend, is at most an insignificant event that will become just another meaningless story in my written journal. sometime after 3am last night, when everyone in my room was basically passed out, liz phair's "exile in guyville" came on for the second time on the 5 disc changer. it's one of those albums i listened to obsessively in high school and then sort of forgot about, letting it slowly sink to the bottom of my spinning rack of cds, in the section of things i never listen to anymore. it's a damn good album that i think everyone should rediscover every once in a while, kind of like hole's "live though this" , the breeders "last splash", or anything by Nirvana. it always reminds me of late middle school, early high school times in my life.
anyway, to add to jaime's coolness, i learned that exile in guyville was something resembling the soundtrack to her in high school. on the verge of passing out, we had a drunken sing along to that album, everything from 6'1" all the way to "strange loop". the songs began to take on meaning i never noticed before. i guess everything means something if you think about it long enough. i read into lyrics too much, i guess that's why i write songs, and then decide they mean something entirely different a few months later. exile in guyville will now function as high school angst along with college lust.

"I woke up alarmed, I didn't know where I was at first.
Just that I woke up in your arms, And almost immediately I felt sorry."

current mood: contemplative

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Friday, May 11th, 2001
12:07 am - beginning at the end...
i went and saw momento with alex, justin, and jaime tonight. i just walked in the door and in the words of christina, "everyone and their mother was looking for you tonight." i never made it back from the dc. alex asked if i wanted to see momento as we were smoking our after dinner cigarette. i had work, but that hasn't seemed to stop me this semester. the film was interesting, i enjoyed it. it started at the end and went backwards, and not in the way those disjointed films like pulp fiction do that go all out of order, it really started with the last scene and ended with the first scene. it ripped off fight club slightly, but overall it was like nothing i had seen. it was nice seeing a film that i didn't have to write a paper on. it's the first thing i've seen in so long i didn't have to anaylize, but of course i tore it apart anyway.
we made a date to see "in the mood for love" saturday night after i get off work.
in conclusion, momento was a good film. i'd recommend it, i'm sure i'll be seeing it again.

current mood: good

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Thursday, May 10th, 2001
3:41 am - if a room could speak for itself, this would be the way it would go...
i have decided to give school one last try. i had completely given up on it for a while, but with the due date for my 10 page final avant garde film paper looming in the not so distant future, i gave in and set aside some time to think about it. for some reason i have this overwhelming urge to write about the two most extremly avant garde films we watched, "wavelength" and "la jetee". what this all means is that i will spend a large portion of tomorrow locked in the library vcr cage watching a camera zoom for 45 minutes in an empty room with ambiant sounds blaring in my ears. i wish i knew what the appeal of this sort of thing was. the first time i watched wavelength i promised myself i'd never do it again. it's not that i didn't like it, but there's something about seeing it for the first time in a group of 100+ and watching the audience slowly filter out. i doubt it's going to have the same effect this time, although i guess the people locked in the cage with me may wonder why there's some girl staring intently at an image that doesn't appear to be doing much of anything. the prospect of writing a paper is starting to excite me again. maybe doing something productive and accomplishing something for the first time in a month will make me remember why i decided to take 4 film classes next semester...
in the words of the director himself..."It is a total glissando while the film is a crescendo and a dispersed spectrum which attemps to utilize the gifts of both prophecy and memory which only film and music have to offer."

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1:26 am - dirty feet 5 days a week with 30 minutes left to eat
today was my first day of work at faces. i got thrown onto register 5 minutes after showing up. i didn't really have that much of an idea of what i was doing, but three people had called out that day, and someone had to work. it wasn't so bad, but i screwed up a lot. it was ten million times better than reebok could ever be, mostly because faces is non-corporate and they don't take themselves seriously at all. my low point today came when i asked a woman buying a huge 6 foot tall lamp if she wanted a bag. she just stared blankly and said "long day i guess."
it's sort of nice to be working again. i always feel like a complete slacker when i don't. i guess if i'm not going to be doing school work, i might as well be making money.
everyone seems to shop there, because as i took the bus home i noticed that everyone looked strangely familiar, then i realized they all had faces bags, meaning they had all handed their hard earned cash over to me between the hours of 3:30 and 9:30pm. i guess that would explain all the akward stares on the bus.

current mood: dorky

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Tuesday, May 8th, 2001
2:04 am - monogamy?
cristina and kendra are asleep on the bed behind me. no one seems to sleep alone anymore. something about spring makes the whole world feel the need to pair off. i was bitter and tortured and angsty for a while, but i just don't care anymore. relationships don't make sense to me. i think the turning point was really the party on saturday night. justin, sammia, and i had a long talk about monogamy vs. open relationships. monogamous relationships had been pissing me off for the past few weeks, mostly because i was the homewrecking "other girl." but the more i talked about it with jaime over the past few weeks, the more i started to understand the whole idea of an open relationship. it was not too long ago that i just wanted to fall in love again for the first time. i have really only been in love once, and it was with the first girl i ever dated. i began to remember how much being in a monogamous long-distance relationship sucked. then i realized that being in a monogamous relationship that wasn't long distance sucked too. it all just led to co-dependancy with me. i think that no matter how much two people are in love, it seems weird that one should be forced to repress any attraction or feelings for anyone else.
that's how the whole jc and jaime drama began. jaime and i had a long discussion about it tonight, and i realized i just don't care anymore, as long as she doesn't sit me down tomorrow and say her and jc want to be monogomous again, because i know she'd be lying. the issue that always arises is jealousy. but none of us care anymore, and besides there's only three weeks left in the semester, and who knows what will happen from there. so i have spring fever again, and jon and i gave each other incredible self-esteem this weekend. i feel like checking out the entire world.

current mood: flirty

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Thursday, May 3rd, 2001
2:48 am - slowly sinking in the vast ambivalent sea of california
i have officially finished my art history paper. i finished it last night at 4am. it completely sucked, but it's handed in and out of my mind. i don't want to do anything after that hellish experience, so i did absolutely no work tonight to celebrate.
justin and i bleached our hair tonight. well, actually he just bleached his mullet-esque thing on the back of his head, but i am blonde again, along with about 3 other people on the floor that used the left over bleach. feria give you more bleach than you'd ever need.
i had two job interviews today. one at booklink that didn't go well at all. the super pretentious owner hated me, and i hated him. faces went much better. the two women that interviewed me had both worked in shoe stores, and we talked about selling shoes for about 10 minutes, telling horror stories of gross foot problems and screaming kids convinced their feet are 4 sizes bigger than they actually are.
tonight i went to the waitley diner with justin, alex, ellen, and julia. it was the weirdest hanging out experience. alex, ellen, and julia were incredibly obnoxious, and justin and i at times had to pretend we didn't know them. i never would have thought the three of them could have created such a scene. justin's a lot of fun, i wish he wasn't moving to california, the state that sucks up everything and everyone that is cool. it will once again steal more people from me.
i guess that's why quasi wrote that depressing song about it...
"life is dull, life is grey,
at it's best it's just ok,
but i'm happy to report, life is also short.
so i find myself back in california. i'm a coolie for the tourists, those happy epicureans: evil spectres from my own suburban upbring
as i reveal points of interest, i can chat so pleasently,
but it's hard to be cheerful when you feel so hopeless
and there's no reason for this dark mood.
it will pass; it will return, but will i ever learn?
and the children of privilege begging for my spare change.
do they need my assistance to purchase their intoxicants,
or would they best be served a swift kick
slowly sinking in the vast ambivalent sea of california.

current mood: blah

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