Heather (guitariot) wrote,
Heather
guitariot

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500 miles is a long drive inside a car...

there's always something strange about being home. nj doesn't really feel like home anymore. massachussetts doesn't feel like home either. i have emotional ties to both, more so to flemington i guess. friendship dynamics always manage to change while i am away, so i find myself with an ever so slightly differnent group of friends each time i return. usually when i come back to nj i feel like a huge outsider, and it takes me a few weeks to catch up on all the new inside jokes, and remember the names of the new waitresses and the people who have become part of my friendship ciricle. i don't mind though, like jon says it's kind of like having ready made friends. in nj i never have to make any sort of effort to make friends, everyone else does, and then i come home to meet them a few months later. i never have the time to grow too attached, and many times i hear about these new friends i will soon have, and then some sort of drama occurs, and i never meet them anyway.
i feel sort of trapped between two homes, neithor of which i really want to call home. both have their charm, which is really just the friends i have made. i am sick of jumping between too places whose only attachment is the people. if i had this summer to start over again, i would have blown all my saved up cash on a car. i don't really know where i'd go. i'd just pack up a car full of music and my guitar, and drive west. i promised myself that if i ended up homeless this summer that is what i would do. i am sick of school. i can't function on a normal 9-5 work scedule. i go to bed after 3am and i wake up long after the rest of the east coast has finished eating lunch. my body is running on pacific northwest time, mentally i think i am already there.
i have learned saying things like this to my parents was a bad idea. college is probably the last place i need to be right now. they don't have majors for what i want to do, and contrary to popular belief, a liberal arts major in comparative litterature and film studies gets me nothing but blank stares and jokes about jobs in retail.
i hope this summer gets me excited about education again. right now money is just being wasted on me so i can watch movies and sleep through everything else.
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